The day is here. Tuesday is upon us. The day where I cease being an adult and head back to school. My bags are packed. I'm nervous about whether the other kids will like me. I hope I can find a seat on the bus. I hope my peanut butter and jelly doesn't get flattened and make a mess all over the sandwich bag.
These are indeed legitimate concerns and I've found myself quite nervous. I've been working in the 'real' world for a few years now and frankly, I wasn't a huge fan. So, I'm done with that, at least for now, and I'm off to go get some knowledge. As the first few assignments started coming in for my classes I suddenly found myself thrust back into the days of reading late into the night and wondering how on earth I would get everything done.
Not to mention, at orientation last week, there were some smart students there. People coming from UCLA, Stanford, MIT, UC-Berkeley, and many others from the University of Michigan, Michigan State, and other colleges that were far more prestigious than little old Western. Will I make the cut?
There is also, of course, the financial end of things. I can't even think about the loans that just dispersed to the Office of Financial Aid for me. You, reader, thanks for the payout, I'll pay you back later. Oh, and I also have just one more paycheck coming my way and then I'm off on my own. Yikes!
Don't worry, I'm smart and saw this coming. I've been saving and saving and thinking about how things would work. I've been doing my reading in advance and am only slightly overwhelmed by the 5 chapters I need to read by Thursday for one class. (I've also vowed not to be that grad student who complains to anyone who will listen about my workload. And I've already failed. CRAP!)
My nerves got the best of me. I've found myself quietly freaking out. This morning I woke up with a spoon in my hand and an empty tub of ice cream seeping on the kitchen floor. (Not true, but I'm going for dramatic effect.) I have been slightly on edge, tenser than normal, and very critical of myself and others. And that has not made for fun things.
All in all, I think much of this tension came from the fact that I was still working last week. I would wake up in the morning, get my run in for the day, ride the bus to campus for orientation, ride back, get in my car and drive to Dearborn, and work until 7:30 when I would drive home, eat, and wrap things up for the evening. I was trapped between two worlds, quietly relishing the challenges that face me at school and feeling pensive about the work I was leaving behind. On the one hand I was off to the races with my studies and on the other I was trying to remain sentimental about leaving my home for the past three years.
I was successful in navigating the transition, mostly because I was training my replacement during the last week of work, something that made my job much easier because I always had something to do. I kept tears and emotions at bay as several co-workers went on their ways for the Labor Day holiday. I even gave a tour in my waning moments of work as my tour guide was MIA and I was the only person there equipped to guide. When I returned, my boss was at my desk to thank me, and it was only then that I felt some tears. My boss, a hard-nosed, sarcastic and tough-as-nails individual gave me a hug, wished me the best, and said through tears that she was going to miss me. For me, that was validation I had been seeking.
While my nerves have been climbing, I think the hardest part of this transition, is the self-inflicted difficulty of moving from one thing to another without much time to reflect. On Wednesday night when I awake from my ice cream coma and pull my theory book closer to my eyes, I'll think about all those spreadsheets I created and how my last minute at work was spent sending one more piece of data to my boss about tours. I worked to the end and I'll continue to work hard at school. I know I'm making a good choice and I'm excited for the work that I'll be doing and the people who are supporting me along the way.
I'll let you know how it goes after tomorrow. They still have recess right?
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